Metamorphosis: The Process I Didn't Know I Needed
2017, and 23, was a year of growth, independence, cultivation, and pruning among many other things.
It was a year of a mindset change; you best believe my mind was also attacked beyond what I thought I could bare. So many things have changed for me over this last year alone.
3 months before I turned 23, I asked God to guide me into His will for my life, and my whole life changed; I was shifting from caterpillar to cocoon. The boat I had built rocked so violently, I thought I was shipwrecked – I regretted singing Oceans at the top of my lungs lool. Who knew this would be the beginning of a wilderness season that would mold me into the woman here today? Only The Lord Himself.
Most of my life I struggled with the concept of identity; Who am I? What am I supposed to do here? Is there happiness for me? Am I important to God? The cocoon season was no different. By this point, I knew that God had called me for leadership of some sort (we don’t always get full plans- sometimes we get breadcrumbs instead). I had heard His voice many times, I knew I had a passionate heart for young people, and that I wanted to make a difference – I wanted to be a vessel of God’s love to encourage others in ways I had never felt someone love on me before. In January 2017, God put it on my heart to start a young adults ministry group on Facebook, this was the biggest catalyst for transforming and renewing my mind daily - God was forming my cocoon for my protection. All while I was trying to be obedient and serve God, I was growing. I was STILL BROKEN. Just because God called me, didn’t mean I wasn’t still a hot mess. It didn’t magically make me perfect. It didn’t make me qualified (1 Corinthians 1:27-29). It didn’t make me want to pray and study EVERY day. It just meant I was an empty vessel who desired to be used, and God heard my cries. His Love is unconditional.
Very few people know anything about my testimonies because I prefer to struggle silently – I prefer to fail silently, but as Revelation 12:11 tells us “And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony“ I know that sharing a testimony has the ability to heal. Another imperfect characteristic I have? I’m a perfectionist who was called to teach and lead; being hard on myself just came naturally. 2017 was the first opportunity I had to remain faithful to God as I poured into His people; at times I believed I failed at that. I struggled to understand that it was okay to both be poured into, and to pour into others at the same time! I struggled with being in the wilderness and desperately needing God, yet remaining consistent in purpose and trusting God while working out my own salvation. Mostly, I struggled with feeling like I was letting God down for not being perfect! NEWS FLASH: God KNOWS you're not perfect - that's why Perfection came to save you! I couldn't see this then. The enemy reminded me how 'easy' things were and how 'happy' (temporary happiness) I was in my old ways, habits, attitudes, vices. After a few tests, I was vulnerable. It’s safe to say I messed up; under pressure I ran back to a place that provided comfort – the old me. Yet how quickly after I arrived there all I heard replay in my mind was “You’re supposed to be pushing others towards God, and this is how you’re acting? What a hypocrite! You just ruined your WHOLE purpose! Good luck getting God to forgive you now! See! I told you you weren’t worth anything!” It happened so quickly, before I knew it I had spiraled into a pit of shame, guilt and self-loathing. Like David, I was alone in The Cave of Adullam; The place where I couldn’t remove the thorn from my side, the place I thought I would die – Spiritual Depression.
I have experienced spiritual depression before, but nothing like the one I faced in 2017. Here's the thing with suffering silently, if only you, God, & satan know you're suffering, and your negative thoughts are more powerful than your positive ones, satan's voice WILL be the loudest. I beat myself up with guilt and shame, even though I had been forgiven of my sin, I'd allowed the enemy to convince me that I wasn't worth God's love or purpose. I hid everything so well; I continued to pour into others and laugh and smile in public, but on the inside I was numb. The idea of food repulsed me, the idea of sleep was so comforting; I wanted to crawl in my bed and sleep forever. I studied enough psychology and mental illness to know what I was struggling with. I spent enough time in the presence of God to know The Truth, The Way, and The Life, but I had no strength to pray; my mind and my spirit were disconnected. I heard the enemy speak death directly into my spirit. Transparently, I didn’t know how I was going to survive, I didn’t know if I wanted to; I even told God I didn’t know how I’d live to see 2018. I remember one night, as I was driving down the 401 at about 3 am, going 130 KM/hr, I heard the enemy’s voice whisper “A little more gas.” I didn’t quite get it. Then a little louder in a very convincing tone, I heard, “You don’t even want to be here! You’ve never been this weak in your life! This is who you want to be? NO! You want to be with Jesus, since you love him so much. You’re disqualified from your ‘purpose’ anyway, jerk your wheel slightly left, you’ll hit the median, it’ll all be over! It’ll barely hurt! You’ll get to sleep next to Jesus!” WELL THAT WAS IT! At that very moment I screamed “JESUS” at the top of my lungs, tears flooded my eyes! I was vulnerable and I was desperate for God’s healing! I never wanted the enemy to be that close to me again! My heart’s disposition was finally in the place to receive God’s love.
My Transition into Healing
1. I had to desire to get better! Before this one, I spent many nights lying on my bedroom floor crying, going back and forth between trusting God, and being stuck in turmoil. I had to decide to trust God when I couldn’t hear Him. That night I got intentional about seeking God, I was so hurt to be in this place, I screamed out to God “Why won’t you just speak to me?” His reply? “I'm speaking to you - I'm just telling you what you need to hear when you need to hear it. Are you listening? Or have you been entertaining a voice that isn’t Mine?" WELL DAMN #HeartCheck. I also realized that I wasn’t really connecting with God effectively, He told me “Princessa, you’re trying so hard to connect with your mind, you aren’t engaging your spirit!” It was then that I realized that by my own strength, I wasn’t getting anywhere! Trying to FIX myself, wasn’t getting anywhere! I WAS WEAK, and God reminded me that that was okay:
“My grace is all you need.
My power works best in weakness.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9.
I played one of my favourite worship songs really quiet, just sat on my floor, closed my eyes, let the tears fall, and FEEL God’s Love drench me – It felt thick and sweet like honey.
2. Repent and Grace yourself! NOTHING can separate you from the Love of God (Romans 8:38). NOTHING can separate you from God’s purpose for your life!:
"But the Lord ’s plans stand firm forever;
his intentions can never be shaken." - Psalms 33:11
YOU have to decide that you will not remain in your sin! You will NOT continue to go around the same mountains! And if you slip again? Give it back to Jesus and TRY AGAIN! You think I didn’t face the same trials again? Of course I did! What the enemy meant for my destruction, God was going to use it! You best believe God wasn’t going to leave me vulnerable to the same attacks forever; He was going to deliver me – He just needed my willingness and cooperation to do so! When I made choices in sin again, I felt similar thoughts resurfacing, but my God’s voice was LOUDER this time “My daughter, this was NOT meant to send you spiraling back to the bottom of the mountain! GET UP! Put on your armour (Ephesians 6)! Accept my forgiveness and FIGHT!”
3. FIGHT! PRAY! GET BOLD! You are a conqueror in Jesus! Tell God how you feel; be transparent like David! I had to take every thought that was contrary to the word of God and force it to obey to His authority! (2 Corinthians 10:5). I journalled (written, audio, and video journal entries) EVERY DAY! I told God every feeling I had, and He guided me to scripture that combated those feelings. I wrote scripture out long hand! I put sticky notes all around my room! I had no choice but to be intentional, and decide to pick up my own sword! When satan reminds you of all your mess, when he brings up your past, REMIND him of his future; MY GOD WINS! '
"Then the devil, who had deceived them, was thrown into
the fiery lake of burning sulfur, joining the beast and the
false prophet. There they will be tormented day and night
forever and ever." - Revelation 20:10
Talk to people who you can trust to REALLY intercede on your behalf. In a depression, you will NOT always want to pray! I had friends who knew something was off, and would pray in The Spirit over me because I chose not to disclose about my struggle. I had a couple friends I entrusted with my feelings of turmoil so they could pray the words I wasn’t strong enough to pray myself. Get your bible, get your oil, get your worship, and fight in the spirit.
4. Letting God use my testimony. BUT GOD! You wanna know how good God is? As I began to truly heal, because of my longsuffering, God aligned me with another young woman who was experiencing similar thoughts, and feelings. I was able to mentor, pour into, and help BREAK every demonic attack of spiritual depression off of her life! My testimony, my witnessing, MY THORN, MY ASHES, the cup I begged God to just take away, blessed and assisted in the healing of my sister in Christ! Every tear, demonic attack over my thoughts, every “Why God?” became worth it. As I interceded for her, spoke life over her, sent her voicenote prayers, and shared with her some of the deepest thoughts I hadn’t shared before, I watched the chains fall off of her. I also watched them fall off of me! Transparently sharing my testimony has dismantled any attack of depression from reoccurring in my life! I received a new peace that transcends understanding; I received a divine intervention!
Undoubtedly, God has performed miracle after miracle in my life over the last year. The truth is, God has met me in my most broken places. Not just when I'm up, not when I feel the blessings pouring down on me, not when the money's right, or the love is felt. But when I couldn't find the strength to pick myself up off the cold floor. When droplets of tears turned into puddles. When I begged for the thorn to be removed from my side. When I laid on top of my bible in hopes that the words would permeate my spirit because I didn't want to live another day in turmoil. THAT is when I felt God most. I grew the most when I was stretched beyond the barriers my elasticity and resiliency could handle. Without the challenges I faced in 2017, I don’t know how I would have let God bring me here; to the place I break free from my cocoon, and begin my butterfly journey.
Yes, I’m still two very different women; the broken one God saved, and the one He's molding me into. The one who only knows turmoil, and the one who sees beauty in every adversity. The one who runs back to destruction when faced with uncomfortable opportunities to grow, and the one who runs to the feet of Our Father with a heart of joy and gratefulness. In all honesty, sometimes I want to RUN from God's instructions like Jonah - I don't always WILLINGLY go to Ninevah! (Jonah 3:3). Yet sometimes my obedience surpasses my own understanding. I’m not perfect, but I’m growing and I’m loved by the God who created the universe and died for each of us! I have a purpose on this earth, and it's not to be perfect, but to remain in God's love! I have the Author on my side! That is enough! God is enough! I am enough! YOU are enough!
If you are struggling with something similar I hope that this blesses you, that it points to the One who intervenes, heals, delivers, restores and loves unconditionally, Love Himself, Jesus Christ!
*Disclaimer: just want to point out that this is not in regards to chemical depression – Please seek medical support & see a clinical psychiatrist if you are dealing with a chemical imbalance, or having thoughts of harming yourself or others.*
